Post by D on Mar 5, 2016 4:19:43 GMT -5
Sponsored by “Shaq Soda” by AriZona Beverages. Shaq Soda; A Big Can for the Big Man.
Yet again, as opposed to heading to a traditional commercial break you’re instead treated to another appearance by Rated X. Now you’ll have to take your bathroom break during a Blake Jones match or something. Occupying the screen currently are two poorly drawn stick figures on a white background, their heads replaced with images of EBR & DGX respectively. The heads bob to the side, each time causing the various image and their facial expressions to change along with it. I really wish I had Photoshop and Photoshop skills so I could have just made it as opposed to describing just to add unnecessary bulk to this paragraph, but ‘tis the hand we’ve been dealt. Underneath these two figures are the words “Rated X Mailbag” written in sloppy writing, and along with one of Harry Nielson’s greatest hits playing in the background, this is the opening credits to this segment. Word.
We fade onto a small studio which one could argue is just one of theirs unfinished basement, both EBR and DGX sitting in opposite chairs, DGX looking his usual dapper self and EBR wearing a baseball cap with “Free Hernandez” printed above the brim. Together they greet you, the fine viewer of what is so far an underwhelming show (presumably; I haven’t been watching).[/color]
DGX:[/color] Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My apologies if you are viewing Massacre this week in hopes of seeing more of Rated X. Frankly we're aware that's the sole reason most if not all of you tuned in. But rest assured we will return very soon. In the interim, myself and my tag team partner EBR felt it important that we as upstanding gentlemen join you this evening, to answer your outcry for more information.
EBR:[/color] That’s right! It’s now time for everyone’s favorite segment the....uhhhh....
EBR quickly raises some cue cards from his lap that were not immediately visible in the shot and squints, apparently reading.[/color]
EBR:[/color] “Rated X Mailbag” ... I’ll be real; if these letters aren’t legible I’m just saying fuck it.
There’s no censor so hopefully kids aren’t watching, but if they are then fuck it. That’ll teach those little S.O.Bs.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Well E, I think we should continue our proud tradition of just attacking it head on, getting right down to it...and jump into our first letter. Who're we hearing from tonight first E?
Reaching his hand into the burlap sack to their side, he pulls out a letter, carefully cutting it open with a very elegantly crafted letter opener. He’s classy like that.[/color]
EBR:[/color] First question is from Jeb McDonalds - "Many members of the XWA are publically decrying your recent actions. What do you say to that?"
DGX:[/color] We've heard the outcry Big Mac, don't you worry. Now I know what we've done in the XWA since Legends is something that's foreign to many of you who've come into viewing the XWA in the last year and change. Our presence and actions have made you all experience the curious sensation of entertainment for the first time. I know it feels weird; a minor guilt can creep in. But we know primarily the people decrying us our people threatened by what we are. Which is a collection of athletes essentially greater than anything they could aspire to be. To them, I say this: we do what we do simply because we want to do it. Subsequently, we don't feel any are capable of stopping this. So it will continue. Be assured however this is not personal and we don't actually know or care about well, any of you. This is about us getting ours.
EBR:[/color] ...Yeah, what he said. Mmhmm.
Awkwardly both men stare directly into the camera for several moments.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Well alright then, next question.
DGX reaches into the bag and shuffles around before grabbing another letter.[/color]
DGX:[/color] “Hi, my name’s Mark McSamuelson and I thoroughly enjoy the XWA, from their fine assortment of wrestlers to their oft-exciting feats of athletic competition which take place every other week on the aptly dubbed “Massacre” program. I know for me personally ...” – Shit, is this a question or a story? Skimming[/color] uh ... “Derrick Jedi’s comedy is very appealing to me “ .. yadda yadda yadda ... oh here we go “Why do you want to destroy the XWA? And please don’t”.
EBR:[/color] That’s a real misconception, Mark. We don’t want to destroy anything per se; we just want our respective piece of the pie. This whole thing it’s just ... it’s political, really. See Hector thinks he knows what’s in the XWA’s best interest and we’re trying to explain to him – or show him cause he ain’t been listening - that he’s incorrect in that uh ... assessment of what is good for the XWA. We’re not going to get pushed around by the middle management types who think they can just cut in line of the men who set the table, pocketing the money made off the fruits of their labor and sweat off their backs. We’ve been around the block enough times to know what’s right is right and we deserve the compensation we’ve earned. As D said, it’s nothing personal with anyone else. I certainly don’t have anything against Derrick Jedi.
DGX:[/color] Of course not. In thirty years he’ll look like Santa Claus ... if he lives that long.
EBR:[/color] Our fellow ... well I can’t say fellow because Hector Perez is in the process of segregating us, but in regards to the other wrestlers ... just keep it chill. Think of this as a negotiation, and you know ... these things take time. Apparently a lot longer than it should because apparently Hector Perez doesn’t understand how to run an effective business. For example; he’d rather use the money that could be used on us to start up some XWA Lite, WNBA show. He thinks some actor whose movies no one has ever seen, Amethyst, and a big cat dude who looks like he escaped from Marlon Brando’s clutches in the “Island of Dr. Moraeu” is a better investment than EBR, Alex Sean, and DGX? Bitch please, that’s just poor management is what that is.
DGX:[/color] It is our hope that this will be concluded shortly and we will stand amoung you again as equals. Well, equals in the sense that we're much higher than you on the card and far far faaaarrr better paid. But let it never be said we're not egalitarian of spirit at least.
EBR:[/color] Yeah and I mean, if we have to take the heat for that then so be it. We’re big boys. We can handle that. If you want to vilify us go ahead. It might even be a good thing. You can all rally against us. That’s what we do. We unite people. Unite everyone. In fact, and this is still in the developmental stages so nothing’s concrete, but I’ve been trying to get in touch with the president so I can intervene and help sooth any tension that’s been created with this George Zimmerman verdict. You know, prevent things from getting out of hand. I’m sure most people would agree that I’m one of the most qualified to do that, for obvious reasons.
EBR:[/color] Because yeah sure, I’m wrestler, but I’m also an activist, humanitarian, philanthropist –
DGX:[/color] Porn star that one time.
EBR:[/color] Oh word speaking of, my highly downloaded and critically acclaimed sex tape is now available on my website, fully remastered in high definition. And look, I wasn’t born yesterday; I know people are going to download it illegally but c’mon. Support the arts, guys. Also, for all you wrestling and XWA fans you’ll notice my co-star; Rebecca Marie, known for her stint as Alex Sean’s valet and wife. Don’t worry though, they were divorced so you know ... it’s cool.
He continues to look into the camera directly after a few seconds pass.[/color]
EBR:[/color] Well I hope that answered your question, Mark.
EBR begins to open another letter.[/color]
EBR:[/color] “Dan Bennett; bad friend, confused, or just a bitch?” Damn, tell us how you really feel.
Contemplatively, DGX responds.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Clearly some people have forgotten where they came from. That’s about the extent to which I have any interest in talking about him. Opening letter[/color] Let's see....this one is from, Bernadette McRae? That's a mouthful. Let's see here: "how did you guys manage to get into Massacre last week? Did Bullseye pick the lock?"
EBR:[/color] What? He had to cos he’s black?
DGX:[/color] Some people these days. Just two steps forward, one step back.
EBR:[/color] That’s why they shut Arsenio Hall down. But to answer your question - opposable thumbs.
DGX:[/color] We're three of the greatest in-ring competitors this company has ever seen ... you really think we wouldn't be able to navigate a door?
While DGX has been speaking EBR has retrieved another letter from the comical almost Santa Claus/future(?) Derrick Jedi looking bag ostensibly filled with “mail.”[/color]
EBR:[/color] "Will you guys be at Massacre at Green Bay? If yes, I would specifically like to talk to EBR about ways to circumnavigate an upcoming suspension fueled by performance enhancing dr ....” oh, I don't think I was supposed to read that second part out loud... but thanks for writing in reading name[/color] “Ryan Braun”.
DGX:[/color] The answer to that is, unfortunately, no. We’re in a completely different state, almost half way across the country. Chuckling[/color] The only way we could appear is if someone gets their signals crossed and just does something completely independent from everyone else.
EBR:[/color] Clearly.
DGX:[/color] Let's move on the next one here from...Ian McDaniels. Ahem, "rumors have been circulating after your vicious assault of Chris Hart last week that Tempest may re-emerge to...
DGX pauses upon reading this and exhales in exasperation because honestly, this is so old news it was probably old when people were falling in love with Henry Winkler’s “Fonz” character for the first time.[/color]
DGX:[/color] ...take the fight to Rated X.” I just, I don't even...sighs again[/color] Am I the only one who finds this tiresome?
EBR:[/color] For real, D's retired that fool so many times he should just start referring to him as Pension.
As he was speaking EBR has began opening yet another letter. He raises it up, reading...[/color]
EBR:[/color] "Chris Novak. What's his deal?"
DGX looks like he’s about to launch into something however EBR holds out his right hand for a moment halting his partner.[/color]
EBR:[/color] I'll take this one, and someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe he’s a physically challenged 15 year old who won a contest.
DGX cracks a grin and chuckles at this before jumping in.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Novak is just...yeah. Like has he even done anything short of winning a championship Trace Demon basically let go because he outgrew? And yet he's out there passing our names out his mouth.
EBR:[/color] See, this is what we’re talking about when we bring up how poorly run the XWA currently is. We’ve reached the point where Chris Novak is holding titles because no one can beat Trace Demon. Really? That’s the competition we have going on and Perez wants to act like he doesn’t need us?
DGX:[/color] In an XWA run by Hector Perez a guy like Chris Novak can just sort of fail up. But really, the one thing about Novak that just bugs me the most is how at this point he’s essentially just a walking shill for Nike. It’s pretty embarrassing – Hey E, what's that in your hand?
EBR:[/color] Oh this? It's just AriZona's Beverages' new Shaq Soda, available at 7-11s nationwide. Shaq Soda - try it on for size!
*available in Blueberry Cream Soda, Orange Cream Soda, Strawberry Cream Soda, and Vanilla Cream Soda.*[/size]
DGX:[/color] Wow I’m going to have to head to 7-11 later and try me one of those. On to our next letter, from Dalton McWeedlebing? Wow. I'm sorry dawg. That's a rough last name to go through life with.
DGX shakes his head sympathetically before continuing...[/color]
DGX:[/color] "DGX, obviously you've had a great deal of championship success with sixteen tag title reigns to your credit. EBR is very accomplished too. I'm curious to get both your takes on the great tag teams of all time." Well Dalton my man, great question. Obviously any team with DGX is a great one; I mean I even managed to take MadDog to tag team greatness.
EBR:[/color] We've actually compiled our own lists I believe, so just getting through these quickly at number one I have DGX and EBR.
DGX:[/color] Agreed.
EBR:[/color] At two would be Damien and EBR, undefeated two time Tag Team Champions, used to be named after an incredibly successful board game and because we held like every title between us and monopolized the company, so you know, there were layers there ... three is Xero and EBR, we didn’t win the Tag Titles but we were ahead of our time, think Lenny Bruce in terms of professional wrestling ... coming in at four is Alex Sean & EBR ... that's four because we never actually teamed up in the XWA technically but you know, WFWF dominance ... at number five I have DGX & Angelus.
DGX has been wearing a noticeably strained smile for the majority of EBR’s list that seems to alleviate a moment when he hears his name for the first time however when his” partner” is mentioned DGX’s brow furrows in confusion.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Well actually E, I don't believe Angelus and I actually ever formally teamed.
EBR:[/color] Right, I just wanted to find a way to acknowledge that you two pretended to be vampires for an entire summer.
DGX:[/color] Fair enough. It was an appropriate gimmick though for what that summer in XWA more or less was. It SUCKED. HEY OOOHHHHHH!
A tumbleweed rolls across the set.[/color]
DGX:[/color] That's not even geographically accurate.
EBR rolls his eyes at DGX as he glares a moment before getting a sly, slimy, used car salesman kind of smirk.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Anywho...on to my list. Let's see here, we agree that DGX and EBR is number one because well come on. At number two, I have Alex Sean and DGX because we did unify three major companies tag team titles simultaneously which has never been done and will likely never be replicated unless we get ambitious. DGX and Satine X was a great tag team because well, honestly it was entertaining. And we nailed the Olson twins together too before they got fucked up so that's like lifetime achievement right there. Number four for me, despite at many times it being like teaming with a broom or suitcase the fans always did get a kick out of the MadDog and I. For the fifth team in XWA history? Man I have to dig deep here...but you know, I think one of the most criminally underrated teams in history that follows the classic Rocker story with one going on to be huge and the other becoming nothing...
EBR begins to smile because hey, that's basically the story of all his tag teams. And he's due son. Plus D's run out of teams he was on, so this ish is over.[/color]
DGX:[/color] ...the Pioneers of Violence.
EBR:[/color] Seriously? Who the fuck are they?
DGX:[/color] Absolutely, Xero and Nick Mondo were a classic routine with hardcore edge and a great deal of heart. Plus Xero went on to be an undisputed champion and my best prod...
DGX sees EBR starting to glare.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Err... one of my best prodigies ever. Present company accepted of course.
EBR:[/color] Hrm ... wait, Olsen twins you said?
DGX smiles broadly.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Yeah it was after Satine and I won our second tag team titles. That was a damned good night.
EBR:[/color] Wasn't that like, 2002-2003 ish?
DGX:[/color] Nah I'm pretty sure it was later. Though I'll be real I did find it odd Satine insisted it be on a jet in flight.
EBR:[/color] D, I think you slept with the Olsen twins when they were like 15, dude.
A tumbleweed rolls across the set..again. DGX is oblivious however as he seems to be working out the mental math on this. A disturbed look crosses his face a moment as he arrives at his answer before turning abruptly to the camera.[/color]
DGX:[/color] Moving on.
EBR:[/color] Well that doesn't seem morally acceptable, but a'ight.
EBR takes to opening the last letter of the evening as DGX continues to look disturbed.[/color]
EBR:[/color] "What's your greatest conquest"?
DGX:[/color] Mmm ... that's a good question, but if I had to narrow it down to one ... Carmen.
DGX looks to the camera, nodding slowly while biting his lower lip. He’s Bill Clinton.[/color]
EBR:[/color] Yeah that sounds about right. I'd go with Carmen too.
Turning his head slowly, DGX looks at EBR.[/color]
EBR:[/color] ... You didn't know about that?
After several seconds of a prolonged and silent stare given from DGX to EBR we cut back to the opening credits to Rated X Mailbag, before unfortunately we resume to your regularly scheduled programming.[/color][/center]