2010-09-05 The Walls of Fandom

[Alex]

vid 3: Comes after the Trace and Raine match.

The screen flashes with scenes in a jail.

Then the words NOT YET! Appear on screen.

Sanction: Again? Who is this guy?

Pain: I don’t know, and don’t care. Next match please

[OPEN]

Daz: Yo man what with this shiznit it just wack yo

Baz: Yeah that's the third one, I didn't pay to see this pile of steaming turd, where's the blooming wrestling.

Forgive me everyone my mates are a bit crass especially when they be over at my place watching the pay-per-views. They say I overcharge them admission but I got to pay or the damage coz the guvnah, my landlord he's been screaming at me about the latest damage done to the place, says I gone way to far this time, but well I had to

Daz: Yo, fanny, stop narrating your own promos and come and check this weirdo out he be goin all matrix on your screen man.

Sigh... yes I had better explain, I'm in between jobs at the moment, had a bit of trouble at the last place I worked, the foreman started trash talking me and then wasn't able to back it up. Dude completely failed to protect himself in the most basic of suplexes, and I'm the one gets in trouble.

Anyhow, point I'm making is I'm broke and cannot afford one of these disembodied impartial narrators that all you Eggswah superstars take for granted so you'll have to put up with me calling my own actions and I will try to be as unbiased as possible.

Ahem....

The fearless and undeniably handsome host turns to his minions who gaze at him with a look of awed inspir...

Daz: Yo fanny, knock that shiznit off or you be narrating with bleeding gums and a few less teeth.

Me: Guys come on, I got to put myself over here, just like this cryptic Matrix guy, it's what wrestlers do. You don't wanna keep leeching of a fan all your lives right. You want to move up in the world, you want to leech off of an Eggswah wrestler, not just any wrestler but the wrestler who himself leeches off of the greates wrestler of all time right?

Baz, Daz and anyone else in the room who has been too insignificant to bother thinking of a name for yet all bow theri head in respect and chant "in the name of the Rose"

Me (bowing my head in respect): The name of the Rose.[/i][/u]

A moment's respectful silence follows and is the broken by a very disrespectful loud knocking.

The guvnah: Open up Fanny-face I know you're in there. You've gone to far this time. I want to know what you've done this time and I wants me money!

Baz: Hmmm...looks like we picked the wrong week to get rid of the garbage chute.

I take a deep breath....phew, getting rid of the garbage chute WAS a bad idea... and I look the door squarely in the eye.

Me: I's ok boys... I'm gonna be an eggswah superstar, I can't run away from challenges.

Baz: Doors don't have eyes!

Me: Dammit Baz your only supposed to respond to me being me not me being the narrator! And everybody stop calling me Fanny! I told you my psuedonym.

Daz: Sorry Deirdre.

Baz: Yeah sorry Mrs. Barlow

Me: I should think so.

Sigh... why am I such a forgiving fool. I guess all of the great leaders throughout history knew when to rule with an ironfist and when the graceful art of mercy needed to be... OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WILL SOMEBODY ANSWER THE DOOR!

Baz: ...

Daz: ...

Oh yeah right... Ahem...

Me: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WILL SOMEBODY ANSWER THE DOOR!

My faithful PPV leeching buddies open it and an angry landlord stumbles through almost breaking his neck against the floor.

Baz: Man, don't you know how to take a fall, you'll never make it in the Eggswah!

The Guvnah: Don't you Eggswah me! Somebody explain THIS!

Daz: Well you see you were leaning against the door and when I opened it the force of physics combining gravity to your weight pushed you forward in a molacular momentum which....

The Guvnah: Not THAT you moron, I mean THIS.

Daz: Well how was I supposed to know... Fanny why didn't you tell us about the piece of paper he was holding up?

Me: You've got eyes dont you?

Baz: Son you need to get a job and hire a narrator, you're dropping the ball left right and center mate!

Me: UGH! OK, let's do a retake. Guvnah, get up off your ass and go back outside the door dude and Daz, less of the scientific lectures please we're not exactly going for the most intelligent demographic here... everybody positions and...ACTION.

Daz opens the door and... of well the landlord doesn't actually stumble forward this time. I guess he must have actually learned his physics lesson from five minutes ago. But he still looks very angry, oh and before I forget, he is holding up a pice of paper.... and... cue Guvnah...

Guvnah: Somebody explain THIS!

OK, he's kind of hamming it up now with the paper...we get it your holding up a pice of paper...sheesh. But anyway the paper seems to be a bill of some sort. Our hero takes a look at it.

Me: Hmmm... it seems to be a bill of some sort!

Guvnah: Damn strait it's a bill of some sort. It's for renovations to my property! What have you done I never authorized any...

The Guvnah stops short and suddenly sees for himself... actually right now he is staring right at YOU. Yes you. Don't look behind you, I'm talking to YOU the reader!

Guvnah: What the bloody hell?... Wh-wh-wh... where's the blooming wall gone? And, and, and...who the bloody hell are all these wankers staring at us?

Me: Oh, that right. Those are the audience. I've had the fourth wall removed. It's the best way to let them see my potential as an Eggswah Superstar because well I have neither the expertise nor the financial back-up for special effects and video technology and what have you.

The Guvnah looks at you, blinks and... oh, I really must apologize for what he's doing now. Just bear in mind he's probably had a rough day and having an entire wall removed from his building has probably come as a bit of a shock to him. Please don't take it personnal... hang on I am going to attemtpp to sooth it over.

Me: Cheer up Guvnah... here this will cheer you up :shappy:

I hand him a think brown envelope. He mumbles incoherently as his temper resides a little and he rips open the envelope.

Guvnah: Ah well... that's something at least I guess I can...here, hang on a mo'... there's some missing... this is only three quarters of the rent.

Daz and Baz shake their heads and roll their eyes and shuffle their feet uncomfortably. It's never a nice moment to have to explain to someone wht should be completely obvious, especially when they are always paranoid that you are screwing them over. I guess I am going to have to be the one to do it though.

Me: Well of course it's only three-quarters... you hardly expet me to pay full rent for only three walls do you?